I wish it was a Tupperware party

I received a mysterious invitation via phone call last week from… well… I’ll just say an acquaintance. When he invited me over to his house with no other pretense than “I’d like to introduce you to some people” I wasn’t sure what to think. My first question was “are you going to kill me?” To which he replied “No.” Whew.

Unsure about the nature of the event, I chose a comfortable and flattering outfit for work the next day and started brainstorming with my roommates what I could possibly be in for. My favourite suggestion was Tupperware party.

• Plain old social event – sure, that could be it, but like with every other possible suggestion why was the only information provided that he wanted to introduce me to some people?
• Goodbye Party – Acquaintance is heading out of town for a bit, but a goodbye party on the Thursday with invite only on a Wednesday? Maybe.
• Alone time – or what my sister so eloquently put as ‘Pound or No Pound‘, this was pretty much a zero percent chance but I still picked a cute outfit
• Tupperware Party/Pampered Chef etc – Would be a bit out of left field, but I could always use some extra tupperware or random kitchen accoutrement that I’ll never get around to using. Plus, those events tend to have booze – bonus.
• Ponzi Scheme – With the cover of mystery settling over the evening, more than one person brought this up.

I settled into not knowing what was happening and tried to not think about it – Type A hyper-planners such as myself are not OK with this situation, I was definitely a bit anxiety ridden that day. I sent one final text asking if I should bring anything along with me either than Pepper spray and his response only included an address. Prior to heading off into the unknown, I went for drinks with a friend (and possibly the best poutine I’ve ever had) – and was very thankful for the booze in my system later in the night.

When I arrived at the apartment, it was pretty clear that this was not a social gathering: The apartment was spotless (not that I really had a reference point, but it wasn’t ‘party clean’ it was ‘staged clean’), the seats were all arranged to face the TV and there were stacks of materials on the coffee table. It took about a minute or two for me to be able to read one of the items on the coffee table (which was upside down for me) before something clicked and I knew what was going on. The Magazine was Success From Home. Oh. Dear. God.

First sign of trouble ahead…

Over the next 45 minutes I listened to three separate presentations and watched a DVD. In truth though, it took me about 30 seconds to figure out the gist of the situation. When someone opens their presentation with stating that their background was in ‘traditional business’ and that they had slaved away working for someone else before they learned about this business model, my mind went straight to two words: Pyramid Scheme.

According to Wikipedia:

A pyramid scheme is a non-sustainable business model that involves promising participants payment or services, primarily for enrolling other people into the scheme, rather than supplying any real investment or sale of products or services to the public

Now in the interest of not bashing the company (which is actually legit, seriously) or my acquaintance’s ambition, I’m going to leave out the specifics. I will say that there were actual products and services for sale, and something at least semi tangible in return for your original investment.  However, while there really is a lot more to the business than I originally feared, it still boils down to this:  You Invest. Then you get two friends to invest. Then those two friends get two friends to invest. And so on and so forth, all while your income increase with each step (of the pyramid) that you create below you.

I don’t care what legal business practices you apply – when your compensation plan includes images like the one below, its a Pyramid Scheme:

Consider this a sideways Pyramid

Thankfully, when the presentation ended there was absolutely zero pressure for me to get on board or sign up for anything further. Thank God. While I realize that the right kind of person likely can profit from this type of investment, that person is definitely not me – first and foremost because I wouldn’t be caught dead inviting people over to get sucked into an evening such as this.

I really wish there was some sort of Dictaphone device that could record my thoughts – because I was doing everything I could to hold it together (especially during the DVD) and, honestly, one sideways glance would have sent me off the edge into the territory of hysterical laughter. Is this really happening? Why? Why Me?

“Overriding Residual Income” … sure

Lesson Learned: Never accept mysterious invitations.

Little Miss Chatterbox, at Your Service

I’m a fast talker at the best of time.  I also mumble – which is a terrible combination.  In my defence, I understand myself just fine, why can’t anyone else? Actually, Tigger understands me perfectly, but I think that’s because we’ve developed our own language that relies heavily on body language and facial expression – not so much words.  Needless to say, if I’m nervous or uncomfortable, my rate of speech skyrockets and the sheer amount of content I can cover is dumbfounding. 

 I was at an event the other night and spied a tall, dark and handsome type chatting with a friend of mine, so I slowly sidled up and joined in on the conversation. Problem is, since I thought he was cute, and appeared to be shy, it wasn’t really a conversation anymore as it was me continuously talking at him.  I only allow for a few seconds of silence before barrelling into a new topic, arms flailing while trying to keep up with the appropriate gestures.  Tigger would have been beside himself, as I had to stop about 20 times to catch my breath – an act that he thinks I carry out to emphasize a point, when really I’ve just talked myself breathless.

In a fifteen minute ‘conversation’ I managed to cover the following topics:

•  My entire Career, including my time spent in India and being trapped in England last year during the Icelandic Volcano episode
• My complete history with the United Way, with a long segue into my feelings about a particular event
• My upcoming move, including how much I hate Vertica Resident Services
• My complete friendship history with the one person we have in common
• Bank Holidays

Now, I should mention there were two other people in this conversation that both know me, so they were helping to carry forward the discussion topics.  I wasn’t purposely steering the conversation, but I was the largest common denominator and clearly the biggest mouth in the group.

Mr. Handsome did manage to get a few words in, and I definitely confirmed he is either the Strong, silent type or just a wee bit shy.  So pretty much, we’re polar opposites.  I always wonder how that type of person processes someone like me.  Do I appear to be having some sort of seizure? Maybe I come across as incredibly confident and just have a lot to say) unlikely! I probably just appear to be a bit of a spaz and a Chatterbox, guess that’s not so bad.  He actually appeared to be genuinely interested in chatting (er.. listening) but I was preoccupied with filling the airwaves with my baritone chitchat.  

 A similar situation happened last night when I was talking on the phone with Tigger.  While standing outside of a restaurant, an extremely good looking man walked by with quite possibly the cutest puppy I’ve ever seen.  I’m sure I said something along the lines of ‘OMGTHATSTHECUTESTPUPPYIVEEVERSEEN’ and then hung up the phone.  I asked if could say hello to his dog, and then barrelled forward into many statements about the cuteness of this puppy, what I know about the breed, friends that have a similar dog, and finally asking him how he manages to get anywhere with people like me stopping him all the time?   I managed to accidentally answer a call from Korean during this time, and hang up on him as well!

It was only after I’d said goodbye and hustled back into the restaurant that I processed the fact that they very cute Dog Owner was actually being very friendly, and didn’t seem thrown at all by my spazzy approach to him and his pup.  I didn’t even introduce myself or ask his name, but I did get the pups name, age & breed.  Jesus.

You'd hang up on people too if you saw this little Miss!

Desk Jockey Antics

It happens to everyone – at least I think it does.  I’m referring to awkward or embarrassing moments at the office.  I often misinterpret things people say and start giggling. Apparently, this is very unprofessional; especially since it’s normally the use of words like ‘box’ or ‘tool’.

This morning I decided to send an instant message to a co-worker, discussing a rather strange meeting I had just had with a Superior.  My brain obviously crossed wires, and I accidentally sent the message about my Superior TO my superior.  Gulp.  The good news is, it was easy to play off as meaning to pass the message about some interoffice news to another co-worker.  However, if I had worded anything differently, this could have been very bad.  I also feel like a massive idiot right now.

 To improve my mood a bit, I started to think about the more humorous things that have happened around my office recently.

• My boss and I have a very good relationship and more often than not will spend our meetings discussing nothing but our personalities and social lives.  One day, I needed her to fill in a form for me due to a course I was taking.  She called me into her office, looking a bit embarrassed, and said she would need me to print out another form to fill in, as she had made a mistake.  In the relationship column, where you would expect to see Manager, she had written Mother!
• I was in one of those all day department meetings that consist solely of back to back meetings – you know the type.  These days involve a careful balance of boredom, feigning interest, and trying not to fall asleep.  I was in a particularly deep state of zoning out when I heard the presenter (a Senior Manager) say that he would “wear out the knees in all his pants” for us.  Umm.  What?  I carefully darted my eyes around the room, and not a soul had reacted.  How could that not mean something sexual?
• Having coworkers on Facebook is always a bit risky.  I try to keep this in mind when adding them as friends, and also when making any status updates or comments.  I recently went on a trip to Boston and had a slight tumble while I was there that resulted in a very large, very painful bruise on my bum (which Jillian has already referenced!).  I made a comment on Facebook about the injury, and was discussing it at work quietly with a few ladies.  I was in a big meeting later that day and a male co-worker walks up and said “Show me your bruise!”.  Awkward.  Had to explain it wasn’t in an ‘appropriate to show at work’ location and then had to field far too many questions about where the bruise was, and why it was there.
• I’m a repeat offender on this one. You know when you’re saying hello to someone and add the usual “How are you”, which they respond with “I’m good, how are you?” Pretty cordial stuff, but since it’s such a common exchange, the initial greater sometimes flubs by adding on another “I’m great, how are you?”  Laughing normally ensues.  Similar to this situation, I have a usual goodbye type phrase when I’m speaking to someone on the phone that is along the lines of “Love you, bye!”  Really, really wish I would stop telling coworkers I loved them!  The worst is after you hang up and realize what you’ve said, wondering whether they’ve heard you or not!

To be honest, I’m surprised more embarrassing stuff doesn’t happen to me on a daily basis.  Although I did once hear over a Cube wall someone referring to ‘Pulling a Nancy’, which apparently means falling down.  Nice to know my reputation at work has more to do with my after bar antics then my work ethic.