Throughout my dating history, I’ve been plagued by men that do the cowardly thing and break up with my via any method either than in person. It really bugs me. So much so that when my boyfriend of 6 months attempted to dump me on the phone, I refused and forced him to meet me in person the following week. The phone call was tacky enough, but to top it off he called me at about 11pm the night before my birthday! While I didn’t find it funny at the time, I’ve definitely come to appreciate the ‘Oh and by the way, Happy Birthday’ jokes that my friends still pull out from time to time.
With the invention of the interweb and its subsequent popularity as a means of communication, along came an even more impersonal way for me to have my
heart stomped on dreams crushed day ruined– Email Dumping! That’s right, why pick up a telephone and awkwardly break the news to me yourself when you could just pound out a few insincere lines and fire away? Well lucky for me, two of my past Prince Charmings have weighed the pros and cons, pulled up their panties and let me down easy.
For your reading pleasure, snippets from the E-dump messages!
E-dumper 1 – I’ll call him Fruit Booter
“I’ll start off by saying that saying this by email makes me entirely weak, I realize. But I’m afraid I can’t make it to your event on Friday. The truth is, you and me, it just isn’t clicking for me. I’m sorry to say I’ll have to stop seeing you.
It’s been fun though. I do think you’re a sweet girl.
I apologize for being the asshole.”
Sweet girl eh? Clearly you thought I was going to rip your head off if you tried this in person. The subject of the email was ‘I’m disappointing’ and he chooses to outline the fact that he is both weak and being a jerk – I’m pretty sure I checked, but maybe he had an undescended testicle? or a Mangina?
Fun side note – this was the last contact I ever had with Fruit Booter. I see him around Toronto periodically and he scampers off as quickly as possible every time. I guess the shame never goes away.
E-dumper 2 – The Swede (Not actually Sweedish)
“Work has been very busy actually and life seems to have caught up with me. but i’m going to have to be honest with you… an ex of mine is kinda back in my life… and i don’t even know what’s going on. i wasn’t sure how to handle it and i realize now that taking time to myself and not writing you for a bit was a shitty thing to do, and i’m sorry about that. i thought time to clear my head would help but now i’m just more unsure than ever.
right, don’t know what to say. i wish you all the best.”
Yup, sure. Ex probably never left your life. Oh well for me, upon review of some other exchanges, he was a bit of a whiner. Also, pretty terrible sentence structure and Capitalization, it never would have worked out.
Thankfully neither of these gems have burst my hopeful bubble – plus, I’ve always been a cynic. These relationships weren’t headed anywhere special anyway, so at least I got a fun story out of both of them!
At least they could have tried to make me laugh by using a ‘service’ such as htt://www.breakupemail.com
Next time though, it needs to be more original. Facebook wall post? Text Message? Post-it Note? (ok, I stole that last one)